Mindfulness is more than just a trendy, buzz word. It’s goal is to help us learn to stay in the present and reduce how often our mind wanders. It has been shown to improve individual mood and cognition, as well as increase a sense of empathy in relationships. This, in turn, leads to better relationships, both in the workplace (as discussed in a new comprehensive study done at Case Western Reserve University) and your social life. It can take as little as 5 minutes a day so it’s hard to find and excuse not to give it a try! There are several free apps to guide you through it if you’ve never tried it before. If you prefer individualized training to learn the practice of mindfulness, a few sessions with a psychologist or mindfulness practitioner would be a great resource. What a great way to start your week!
I recently read an article that will probably make most women say, ‘I KNEW IT!!!”. In a recent study at USC, it was found that during times of acute stress, men’s brains demonstrate less activity in the region which is designated for the understanding and interpretation of other people’s feelings. To read more about this article in detail, you can click on the following link: http://psychcentral.com/news/2010/09/29/men-respond-to-stress-by-shutting-down/18890.html.
I am experiencing mixed feelings about this study. A part of me is excited that this study actually validates the experience of most women when they report that their significant other does not seem to pick up on their facial cues. It proves the fact that the female notion that sometimes, men just don’t get it, is actually true and not just in our heads. It might also help women to be more sensitive to men’s lack of empathy toward the emotions displayed by our facial gestures. This way, women may not take it personally that he didn’t notice that you were on the verge of crying. Instead, we may be apt to tell them how we feel as opposed to hoping that they will notice it based on our non-verbal cues.
On the other hand, I feel like the validation of this type of study may backfire and give men an excuse to be ‘unaware’ of certain things that they are actually capable of noticing. This can easily turn into many scenarios of “But babe, it’s not that I don’t care to notice, but it’s just that my brain works differently than yours…”. For this reason, it is important to keep in mind that this study was done in situations where men were experiencing acute stress. This does not necessarily justify every scenario in which a man may not notice that his girlfriend/wife is upset. However, it is important to keep in the back of your mind that he might not intentionally be oblivious to your feelings… he may have actually not noticed.
The last part of this study that was interesting is that when women are in a state of acute stress, the area of the brain that is devoted to the recognition and interpretation of other people’s feelings was overactive. This means that when women are overly stressed out, we are more sensitive to others’ facial and non-verbal cues than in times of normal stress. This also explains why we are more irritable during times of extreme stress. We may actually be over-interpreting and over-analysing what people’s actions and gestures indicate.
It seems that men and women would communicate better if we tell one another how we are feeling as opposed to assuming that the other person should know based on how we are acting. Lack of healthy communication can lead to an array of psychological disabilities, some of which are depression and anxiety ( http://www.lapsych.com/families-dev-disabilities.asp). That way, there is no lack of interpretation on the part of men and no over-interpretation on the part of women. The take away message of this post…. Let’s all cut each other some slack and tell each other when we are feeling upset. The less you bottle up, the less the damage when you explode…
– Dr. Sheyda Melkonian
We have all heard the term Postpartum Depression used here and there, but do we really know how common it is? A new study that will be published in the Archives of Pediatrics & Adolescent Medicine in November found that 30 percent of mothers and 20 percent of fathers experienced depression after childbirth, with most occurring during the first year of their child’s life. To read more about the above referenced article, please click the following link… http://psychcentral.com/news/2010/09/08/parental-depression-after-childbirth/17822.html.
This article/topic is interesting to me for a number of reasons. For one thing, it points out just how COMMON feelings of depression can be after childbirth. In addition, it brings up the point that fathers may be going through their own experience of depression during this transitional time in their life. And finally, it opens a discussion as to the universal nature of these feelings since this study was conducted in the UK and their statistics are very similar to ours here in the US.
Although many of us women want to pretend we are superheroes and that nothing can phase us, the truth of the matter is that childbirth is literally a life changing experience. As grateful and happy that we are to have been given the opportunity to experience such a miracle, it can take a strong toll on us emotionally. Although the hormonal changes have a big effect on these feelings, some of it is due to a certain realization that hits after the birth of a child… That moment in which for the first time you realize… ‘My life is never going to be the same again… I will never again be free to plan my day as I please… I will never again be able to let go of that guilty feeling when I leave my child with someone else… I will always be responsible for this new person that I created…’ For some women, these feelings can come and go where you still are able to function, but for others, it is more difficult to let go of these feelings. It may push you away from your partner, you might isolate yourself from your friends because you feel like nobody can possibly understand how you feel, or you might even have feelings of hurting yourself or your baby. This is when an individual would be considered to be clinically depressed and it is necessary to seek help from a psychologist. You can read more about clinical depression at http://www.lapsych.com/families-dev-disabilities.asp.
Another important topic which does not get enough attention is the father’s emotional journey during this transitional time. For many fathers, this is also a time to reflect on how they are going to support and raise their baby in the years to come. They question their abilities, their readiness, and the level of commitment that being a parent entails. They also need to feel validated during this process. The best possible solution is for a husband and wife to communicate with each other during this critical time in their lives. Nobody is going to understand what it feels like to be the new parents of your baby better that you guys. Although both parties in the marriage want to appear strong for the other, it would be more beneficial to share your honest feelings about the recent changes in your life. It would probably surprise most people to hear that their partner is going through a similar experience but may just be showing it in a different way (i.e. working more, etc…). Once the elephant in the room is discussed, it’s not as big a deal anymore and the couple can better understand each other and the reasons for their actions.
Although I can write about this topic forever, I want to sum up by emphasizing the fact that postpartum feelings of depression are more common than most people think and that you are Not Alone if you are experiencing such feelings. Although for most people these feelings will eventually pass on their own, it is very helpful to have a professional talk you through this time of change, both individually and as a couple if the situation warrants. Sometimes, it makes a world of difference to just have a place to talk about it where the person you are talking to is not going to judge you or think that you are a horrible parent, because ultimately, this is why most of us do not share these feelings with others…